How to Survive in the meantime: Step 2: keep living

My life has never been about my children.  Logic might say, why should now be any different?  I have only just discovered that I had them only to lose them again.  Logic might say, you were only together for such a short time out of you entire life without them.  To say I am sad doesn't touch what I am.  To say I miss them cheapens the depth of emotion I am experiencing.  Yet I have been going to work, doing laundry, watching movies with my husband, cheering on the Bruins.  How is it possible to go on with life?  How is not the question to ask.  There isn't really a "how to" you just do it.  Would it somehow be more honoring to the children to be a blubbering mess at all times of the day unable to accomplish anything worthwhile until I get back on the plane for Uganda?  NO.  Do I sometimes want to take that option.  YES.  Not that I'm against crying, sobbing and any other emotional outbursts.  They are just the thing to do when life is this hard.  However they are not the only thing to do.

Someone at work said she hadn't talked to me since I got back because she was imagining how she'd feel in my place and didn't want to make me too sad at work by bringing it up.  I thanked her for being so respectful of my feelings.  It made me feel like she really cared about me.   But I told her, it's ok I have my wall up and can talk about it a little.  We have to compartmentalize to function, don't we? 

I received more communication from Uganda saying "the boys are always crying for mummy."  Somewhere after the initial sadness at the thought of my boys crying for me and me not being able to comfort them, I felt relieved.  They are still crying for me.  I needed to know that.  If you can't be together the 2nd best thing is having the one you miss be missing you too.  Also I was told that Ebenezar had been sick with a cold last week but was getting better now.  These are hard things to hear.  Life is hard.  Not just for me, for everyone.  Thank you for reading along on this part of our journey.  Our burden is lighter with you all shouldering the weight along with us.