I've been wondering for while now why my heart is not breaking every day for Uganda and orphans and why I don't get choked up every time my precious babies do something new that they would NEVER be able to do had they been left in their situation. I kinda pictured myself becoming an emotional wreck like I was after my 1st trip to Uganda. I see other people react to the sight of the boys (remember demographically we are over 99% white here in Maine) when we go out in public and I read in their faces some of what I thought my heart would be doing. I have been waiting for an emotional thaw followed by a flood like we have here in Maine in the springtime. It hasn't come like I thought it would. Unrealistic expectation? Today I read a story about Ugandan orphans and it made me feel sick in my heart and physically weak as well. I also have signed up for a daily link sent to my email so I can pray for people in every country of the world this year. [It is a big commitment, I know, but it's better to start and not do it perfectly than not to pray for any of them] The website sends you one country per day. Reading the emails opens my eyes even wider and makes me feel so overwhelmed that I can't bear it and have to cry and just beg God to help them and change my heart so I remember that I need so much less than I have. So it isn't like a don't have a heart.
Somehow my boys don't make me cry...usually. I mean I cry when I'm afraid that I won't be a good mother or when I feel like I don't have what it takes to be calm and fair and loving and tender when I am out of ideas and nothing is working.
Will you endulge me while I explore this question? I welcome --and would love to hear--any thought or observation you may have. I have given it a lot of thought and I guess one big factor is faith. Faith produces and calm and matter-of-factness in how I live my days out with the boys. I mean, God told me to go to Uganda and get my children. 100% out of the clear blue. From the moment He said "go" I have believed that I was going to come home with 2 little Ugandan boys. Ok so here's a good point: It would be outside my normal behavior to weep constantly. But I did when I got back from Uganda in 2009. I think it scared Norm a little because I was so emotionally devastated which is really not normal for me at all. I was useless. I cried all the time. I would try to talk about what was in my heart for adopting and I would not be able to finish an inteligible sentence.
When we returned for the boys, we were on a mission quite literally. It took all my physical stamina to stay on task and everything over there was a fight [see any of the posts from our 1st trip together] so I guess I didn't feel overwhelmed with emotion about the poor in general of the plight of the orphan in general. I was focused and driven to succeed. Unfortunately that didn't happen on our 1st trip this year. Actually, at the end of that trip, my heart was wounded beyond what I thought it could bear. I literally felt it breaking and was gasping for air unable to breathe. I ached for my children. I have come to understand through conversations here with them that they were aching for me as well. That blesses me to know we were wanting each other. I guess also it doesn't mean that becuase I adopted from the 3rd world that I have to become an advocate. Maybe it is as simple as that. My mission is to these 2 boys. I believe wholeheartedly that their rescue is 100% an answer to prayers offered up by their biological parents and others who were praying for Uganda and orphans in general. Probably they are an answer to prayers that I was praying also asking for the honor of doing something significant for God without knowing that this would be the result.
Somehow my boys don't make me cry...usually. I mean I cry when I'm afraid that I won't be a good mother or when I feel like I don't have what it takes to be calm and fair and loving and tender when I am out of ideas and nothing is working.
Will you endulge me while I explore this question? I welcome --and would love to hear--any thought or observation you may have. I have given it a lot of thought and I guess one big factor is faith. Faith produces and calm and matter-of-factness in how I live my days out with the boys. I mean, God told me to go to Uganda and get my children. 100% out of the clear blue. From the moment He said "go" I have believed that I was going to come home with 2 little Ugandan boys. Ok so here's a good point: It would be outside my normal behavior to weep constantly. But I did when I got back from Uganda in 2009. I think it scared Norm a little because I was so emotionally devastated which is really not normal for me at all. I was useless. I cried all the time. I would try to talk about what was in my heart for adopting and I would not be able to finish an inteligible sentence.
When we returned for the boys, we were on a mission quite literally. It took all my physical stamina to stay on task and everything over there was a fight [see any of the posts from our 1st trip together] so I guess I didn't feel overwhelmed with emotion about the poor in general of the plight of the orphan in general. I was focused and driven to succeed. Unfortunately that didn't happen on our 1st trip this year. Actually, at the end of that trip, my heart was wounded beyond what I thought it could bear. I literally felt it breaking and was gasping for air unable to breathe. I ached for my children. I have come to understand through conversations here with them that they were aching for me as well. That blesses me to know we were wanting each other. I guess also it doesn't mean that becuase I adopted from the 3rd world that I have to become an advocate. Maybe it is as simple as that. My mission is to these 2 boys. I believe wholeheartedly that their rescue is 100% an answer to prayers offered up by their biological parents and others who were praying for Uganda and orphans in general. Probably they are an answer to prayers that I was praying also asking for the honor of doing something significant for God without knowing that this would be the result.
These are my favorite pictures so far, Well accept for Shumbunny and baby dolly's birthday. But Ugandan Toddlers enjoying Maine's snow with their Nor'easter hats on is priceless! I love you all. xoxoxo
ReplyDelete