"mamma wange"

pronounced like "mamma wan-gay"  

it means my mommy. 

Jonny had asked for his Momma Wange several times the first week he spent with us.  Benny never did, to my knowledge.  Right from the first week Benny consistently referred to me as Momma Benny and then they both started doing it.  [meaning Johnny also started calling me "Momma Benny"] In fact, the nanny at the first place we stayed would jokingly tease Benny because he said/whined it so often.  In Uganda, you are often referred to as Momma-your-1st-born's-name.  So for example, my mom would be called Momma Rachel etc.  You can be called Momma-any-one-of-your-children's-names depending on the situation, but it is usually the 1st born.  Benny called me Momma Benny and referred to me that way when he was talking to other children as in: give me back my toy or I'll tell Momma Benny on you! 

our boys playing w/Deyo who lives there w/his momma

The Wednesday before we left, we were out longer than anyone expected and had left the boys at "home" in the compound with their friend Deyo and his mamma.  We had asked her to watch them since the 3 boys got along so well and she happily agreed.  We mistakenly thought we'd be out for just a couple of hours and why drag the boys along when they could have a great day playing?  When we got back I was tackle-hugged with exuberant shouts of "Momma!! Momma!!"  To my delight Deyo's momma reported that the boys were asking for Momma Wange all afternoon!  It made me smile to think how quickly that had happened.  I was their momma not because I was a female who was taking care of their needs. (like in the orphanages in Jinja)  This woman spoke their language and looked a lot more like them than I ever will and they were asking her for me all afternoon!  That was soothing to a tired momma's heart after a hard day.

Yesterday I received an email saying that Benny is asking for his Momma Wange.  That's me.  He is asking to be brought back to his Momma Wange.  I am asking for the same thing.  I want to be brought back to my Benny Wange and my Johnny Wange.  I referred to them that way while we were with them.  I would scoop them up and kiss their necks and say Johnny Wange or Benny Wange.  Also if they were sad I would hold them and call them MINE in their own language.  I wanted them to know that they were my babies.  I am glad I did it so often.  So far they still remember.

a smidge of news from the boys

Nothing unexpected.  They miss us too. That is good. At least they miss us and aren't glad to be home.  Not sure if that makes me feel any better...maybe a little. Knowing the ones you love love you back feels nice.  Knowing they have to keep missing you for at least the next 11 weeks, not so good.  And a nagging feeling of when I get back in all those weeks from now will they still miss me like they do today?
Here is the email I received this afternoon in it's entirety:

My mum says the boys are fine. They are trying to adjust back to not being you with you but it's been a bit tough for them because they really miss you. Especially Ebenezar who perodically cries and asks to be taken to you. But otherwise they are in good health and God is keeping them well. My mum requested me to ask you whether processing of the documents is proceeding well and how you are doing. Have a good day. Greetings to Norm.

sad face Benny (this was in the 1st place we stayed)

Our lawyer says that the Ugandan courts take off for holidays until end of August so there's not much chance of anything happening b4 then.  other than that though all of the paperwork we handed in to him before we left was acceptable and in good order. 

pre-K school photo?

scared to swim: look at those eyes!

So that is the update from Uganda.  I can take leave from work starting after August 9th.  The court date won't be at least until late August.  I will want to go as soon as possible, but that will probably mean weeks of being there if I go earlier in August.  My thought is that lots of people are waiting now and lots of them will get pushed til after the court holiday so we will not necessarily be the 1st in line the day the judges get back from vacation.  Just trying to keep it real and face facts. 

day 1: playing alone- but they don't even have each other now

The fact is: those babies miss their mommy and daddy and they're going to have to keep missing us from right where they are for the time being. 

How to Survive in the meantime: Step 1: start to feel something

Things happened while I was away for a month.  Significant things.  Things that changed other people's lives.  Big things.  Events, even.  hard things, fun things, sweet and special and wonderful things... should those things matter to me?  probably.

My homeroom -and some other very special students as well- are graduating this year .  I am glad that I am not going to miss the event next Sunday, but not AS glad as I would be to be there showing off my babies to all my colleages and former students.

my place at the wedding

A very dear friend of ours is getting married tomorrow.  This is a big thing.  They are celebrating all weekend.  I am genuinely happy for them.  But not the same happy I would have been if my boys were in attendance at the wedding with us as I has thought they would be.  There are different kinds of happy...one is not necessarily less sincere than another.  But they do differ in intensity.

Day 1: instant family: just add bubbles

sick baby boy. 1st day- tired after playing ball

Have you experienced love at 1st sight or a time when you "just knew" somebody was "the one"...I hope you have because it is a tender and faith-building moment.  How could you believe anything but that there is Someone our there bigger than you orchestrating your life?  How else could those moments be possible?  There was no warming up time, really.  we were a love at first sight family.


If Jonny hadn't been sick when he met us I think it would have been a solid month of joy and family bonding.  I say that not from some fairy dust rose-colored-glass perspective but because the day we met them (Easter Sunday) we walked them to end of their road and as they started down their road they both were turning and waiving but it was Jonny that broke into a run and headed back towards us.  Day 1.  don't leave us.  we wanna stay with you.  After lots of kisses and promises of "we'll play again tomorrow" they let us go.

Day 1: is that it?  are you really leaving us?

How is it that you can find the rest of your heart in the most unexpected places?  I know you have asked yourSELF that question at some point along the way.  You must have.  Love is a many splendor'd thing.

 Everything reminds me of them.  I know this is a normal part of grieving.  And while Knowledge may be Power; it is not an analgesic.  

"meant to be" family moment

During seasons of great loss the faith in "meant to be" is all that maintains sanity.  Touching the touchstones with the hands of your memory..."okay THAT day I was sure this was meant to be; so it still is." you tell yourself.  For months now when a setback happened I have repeated audibly to myself.  "I have not had control of this from the beginning and this is no different.  I need to continue to trust."  [let me just tell you...easier said than done barely scratches the surface of indicating how hard that is to live out.]

naps on the ride to Kampala.  no safety seats.  no rules at all.

For those of you who can't bear the though of your child going to a sleepover because you think, what if he needs something and I can't give it to him or the other parent doesn't treat him how I would or he gets scared or wets the bed or gets hurt... (you get the idea).  Well, it is safe to say that you would not be holding together right now if you were us.  I will leave it at that.  Or worse: What about those of you -- and you know who you are -- who want to control (and usually do) each and every morsel that goes into your child's mouth or disinfect every surface he comes into contact with and can't even let them out of your sight with out prayer and fasting and anxiety medication.  I was thinking of you while I was there watching my boys eat food that had been dropped on the floor (and not always recently) and lick every bit of the sticky goodness off their hands when they got a sweet treat and riding in the car with no safety measures etc.  You all especially need to lift us up in your hearts because we left our boys and have no control over anything that happens to them for months.  We saw where they live, I went into their homes and we still waived goodbye to them and walked away because we. had. no. choice.

the last time I saw them

beauty in chaos: they're just like us but different

Ok admit it.  You have felt sorry for yourself before.  Haven't you?  I sure have.  Even while in Uganda surrounded by people whose lives are so so much worse than mine that there is no comparison even on my worst of the worst of the saddest days.  Because that's just a day or a few days of my life and then I can go home, but they live here.  This is as good as it gets...EVER.  There isn't anything to look forward to for them.

Now do NOT hear me saying that our pain is somehow less important because we don't live in the 3rd world. I am not saying that we should live in guilt for the wonderful, blessed life that we have.  Also not saying that we are not allowed to experience loss or allow ourselves to simmer in it and really ache and acknowledge that our lives are hard or that our pain is real. 

We were born into a safe, blessed, wealthy, healthy place.  Every second of our lives is OF COURSE not characterized by those words, but in general that is where we live.  We didn't have anything to do with the location of our birth.  No one can choose where to be born. 

What if you were born in the dirty darkness of a mud hut in Uganda.  You may have never really felt full in your entire life.  So many people you know would have died from diseases that are barely a problem over here.  But you would still be you, with all the dreams and hopes and creative drive.  What would you do?  The woman who owns the shop above decided not to give up.  She is being who she was made to be and making things beautiful even surrounded by poverty, smog, burning trash, cockroaches, political riots and whatever else.  Her sign made me smile and feel like it is worth it to shine right where I am.

Be inspired to make things beautiful with the life you were given.  (and forgive me if you feel preached at...my heart is heavy with what I have seen, heard, smelled, tasted, touched and it's gotta come out.)

the bunnies are waiting & life goes on

benny in momma's glasses (hannah on the floor)

before we left the compound Friday evening in Uganda, we carefully packed away the boys' bunnies and blankets for safe keeping.  They love those bunnies (and it seems the feeling is mutual).  slept holding them tightly every night.  carried them around in the morning while sleepiness was still strong in the air.  beat them up.  gave them repeated "fist pounds" -while shouting "bonga"- took them on rides on the trikes.  gave them loud kisses "mmmwah!"  beat daddy with them.  the bunnies have a lot of good memories to hold them over during the long wait in the dark of the box in the closet.  they are being stored in a former water bottle box until their owners return. (see below) it wasn't safe to send them "home" with the boys since they would most certainly be ruined and nasty in a matter of days.  that's the thing about stuffed toys, they are always ready when you are.  they'll be ready when we get back.  then they'll hear Jonny's voice say "Quata, Benny, dolly!"  (Benny take your bunny.)  Being the older brother he likes to distribute things to the younger and acts very impatient when Benny is not quick enough to respond or isn't paying attention to him. :)

bunnies heading for storage

work was brutal yesterday.  plain and simple it was just hard to be functioning at any capacity, but we managed.  The Bruins won game 5.  That was the highlight of the day, I suppose.

Send peace and caffeine filled thoughts our way

photos and a video

week 1 - John/Hayden already happier

Day 1-Benny/Garak never looked back

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vb8AMf8xURE  We watched this on the evening news while we were there.  Yes really.  This is how poor they are.  It is worth it to her to do this because she is that desperate to keep her kids (as in goats) alive. 

78 days and counting

Already counting the days til I can go back and get my babies...
August 9th is my 1 year anniversary at the bank and when I can take paid adoption leave.  It is honestly nice to be home in some ways but it feels odd not to see banana & palm trees and to feel cold in the spring weather.

Our lawyer let us know that it could be weeks before he could secure a date with judges being reassigned to other place to take care of political petitions etc.  We obviously couldn't wait an indefinite amount of time. 

You're probably all wondering how we're doing... we don't know the answer to that, honestly.  Not good of course, but we are still numb and just in survival mode.  we are both heading to work tomorrow so pray for strength.  This week should just be about doing what absolutely Must be done and nothing else.  Thanks for reading and caring and replying.  I will keep you all updated here even during the interim.  I have lots more pictures so I will add those and tell some more stories in the upcoming days as I have the energy to do so.