Now is the time

enjoying his 1st play dough

delighted by bubbles

climbing up daddy

tickling w/daddy

eating

stickers: why stop at one?

Something I have learned from Hayden is to be in the moment. Don't be planning the next one or fretting over the last one.  It a culture where great happy moments come few and far between, my experience is the Ugandans REALLY know how to celebrate when the moment calls for it.  At church they would throw their entire selves body and soul into their worship of GOD.  Something I have seen less often here in a country where we live in such blessedness and ease in comparison to them.  Hayden danced wholeheartedly and sang and clapped when it suited him. He threw his head back and belly laughed with a full open mouth when he was enjoying the moment and sobbed inconsolably when he was sad.  When he fell down playing or hurt himself trying something he was determined to master there were no tears -- a little gasp from the pain but then go on trying or playing because that matters most.  Is it too cheesy to say "feel you feelings".  Some people are weepy by nature or belly laugh at the drop of a hat.  I am more guarded.  I stuff my feelings in the moment and process them later when I am all alone in the safety of my car etc.  There is FREEDOM to be found in experiencing life as it happens. In the moment.

Resolved, but Not Excited

I need to buy my return plane tickets.  I currently don't have a place to stay lined up for the first week that I need to be there.  Prices are $1600ish round trip and a little over 1k for the boys each. 

I can feel the anticipation growing in side of me about my return trip.  But it's not excitement.  There is a fair amount of dread if I want to be honest.  It is hard to picture myself back there, but I am starting to.  You can't even say it's a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there...  I don't know how ready I am to get back on that ride.  I was never much for roller coasters. 

 Can you count how many military police are packed into that truck?  We they were everywhere you looked on our last trip.  Hopefully the rioters haven't given them much business and it is calmer now, but who knows.

Mel's auto garage and battery charging (when there's power...)

 this is not me trying to find something sorry -looking to take a photo of. This is just what everything looks like.

 read that billboard.  most of us don't need to purchase that kind of insurance.

need a sofa?

not quite ADA accessible

who wouldn't feel safe?

The in-betweens

Hw are u the boys are ok john is doing wl but beni is thin and he asks 4 you at bedtime

I received the text above on July 4th from Elizabeth.  Also, our lawyer suggested coming a week early to visit with the boys again before the hearing to make sure they are comfy w/me again.  That will important for Hayden/John because he is more attached to his guardian.  He also said allow a week and a half after the hearing to be sure all documents are in order.  I'll be leaving Aug 11th, most likely, and hopefully we will all be leaving together for home on Sept. 2nd.

A promise we made in Uganda

Mother's name Mary: son's name Victor: please call me

 On the terrible day described here we met Mary.  She approached us at the town office and introduced herself and told us about her 3 year old son.  I apologize for only now telling you this story.  We promised her we would tell you about her and her son so you could pray and if you wanted to, do more.  Here is the rest of what happened on that hot and horrible day...

After the lawyer went back inside to see if the town clerk was EVER going to come, Mary approached me and asked if I was here to adopt the boys.  She looked about 20 yrs old.  She asked if I helped orphans and said she was an orphan and has a 3yr old son w/no daddy and that her grandma took care of her as best as she could by digging in the fields.  Mary is taking classes to become a caterer, but said she doesn't think she'll have much opportunity with the 50% unemployment.  She asked for our help and she said it gave her HOPE just thinking that we might be able to help she and her son, Victor.  She wanted money and for her son to be adopted too.  We told her we would pray for she and her son and asked her to trust that we would tell our friends about her.  She wrote her name and numbers for us on the paper we were using for drawing.  She is the only person who asked us for money while we were there.  She seemed sincere, but there was no way to know if anything she said was true.  I have now done what I said I would do and have told my friends about her.  Will you pray for Mary? 

Hayden's hands. He counted to 5 while I traced each wiggly finger.

but why?

Continuing my thought from yesterday:
What I am trying to say [and I warn you that you might not like it] is that this is not necessarily linear, there ARE no check boxes, this is not about goals and action plans. {there is no secret ingredient-so to speak--A shout out to all my fellow Kung Fu panda fans}


It is as simple and as complicated as this:
There is Someone in love with your heart.  His thoughts towards you are all good and loving.  He actually is the One who made your spirit and gave you your dreams.  He wants you to love Him back.  He wants real, truth, intimacy,  love, respect, beauty, joy between the 2 of you.  He just wants you.  Not with your checklist tucked under your arm along with your 5-year prospectus.  He knows how great you can be.  And the best part is that even though He doesn't judge you for being who and where you are right now, He wants you to be your best.  Not in a work-really-hard-to-get-an-A-kind of way.  More like a peaceful-confident-be-who-you-were-meant-to-be-kind of way.  The way to become that wonderful version of ourselves, as much as we may not want to hear it [I know I don't] is to go through the pain.  Experience it.  Feel it.  Live it. 
Why? I knew you'd ask that. 
Because when we are in need, we ask for help, acknowledge our dependence and start seeking answers outside of what we already know.  This is where growth happens in life; in the very daily journey of it.  When we tell the truth about ourselves to our Maker and the Lover of our soul, our faith grows.  When we admit to ourselves who we really are and acknowledge our fears and inadequacies, we -the real us that is our spirit- grow.  It matters to Him that we keep growing and keep becoming.  Because we matter that much He engineers situations for us to experience in order to grow us and show us both who we really are (the good, bad or ugly of it) and also to show us who He really is.  Note Bien: NOT the He who we have studied or think we already know or knew last time we were in pain, in other words, who he WAS.  He wants us to know who he IS currently... right now.  Knowing THE TRUTH (as a Person) is the prize for experiencing the pain. 
That is life.  Simply and Beautifully and By Design.

They're really orphans

required ad in the local paper (w/passport photos)- to prove orphan status

In context: If no one responds to the ad, it is likely they are orphans.

What's the point?

I was watching the chaos outside the car but look what came into crisp focus.

Why is the first question most of us learned.  It was probably in our vocabularies from at least age 2.  It is VERY important to us to know why things are happening.  It always has been and always will be a big deal for me to figure out "why."  When I don't know the reason behind what is happening to me, I can become very unsettled.  We need to believe there IS a reason or it wrecks us.  Am I right?

It is not enough to believe "everything happens for a purpose", that every life lost had a purpose and everyone alive has a purpose.  We must find out what the purpose IS and attempt to fulfill it.  Or in the case of a lost life, what it was and seek to honor it.  Other wise...what is the point?  I suppose it is better to believe that everything has a purpose than to be hopeless and think everything is random and that nothing matters, but I want more than just that, don't you?

When going through a hard time, we have all had some one tell us, or have told ourselves; "everything happens for a reason."  Our heart responds "I know that.  I agree with that statement and believe it is true, BUT WHAT IS the reason?  Why does THIS have to be what is happening to me right now?"  So it is not that we don't believe the saying is true. 

BELIEVE

We can endure most things if we understand why they are happening.  What about when we can't figure out the reason. Then we say "comforting" things like "what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger" ok...? that's my reason?  that generic, "it's making me stronger" is the only bone I am thrown?   
Not good enough, I say.  My heart will not settle for that. 

Here's what I have found out.  If I really want to know my particular reason, I have to be willing to search it out and not skim along the surface of the pain.  I can't be squirming and clenching my fists the entire time and just endure it.  My heart can't be shouting "alright already just tell me what lesson I am supposed to be learning so I can get this pain over with!"  That, will get me nowhere.  [yes, that was the voice of experience talking] Most likely it will put me back in a loop until I've learned the aforementioned lesson.  Here's an interesting point though, [and this will really kill all you fellow nerds who just LOVE getting the right answer and doing well on the test] IT'S NOT about THE LESSON.  It's not something you can cross off your emotional or spiritual checklist and say "good for me I passed that test" that has never been the point.  If you are a pretty good test-taker and wish you could live life like you lived highschool, I'm sorry to burst your bubble.

Well, not that sorry.  The truth is we need to learn this together you and I.