mirror, mirror, you're so small...

Last week and the week before that I was sick and thus deprived of sleep and energy which was unpleasant to say the least.  Since my children were no less energetic than usual but were sick and grumpy, it made for some interesting times. [I know most of you parents are saying, "welcome to the club" but still this was a 1st for me.] In the middle of those days when I felt like I did and they were acting like they were, I honestly had my doubts about how I'd make it through the days.  I was clearly NOT in control as I am used to being and they could smell it in the air and thus needed to test and see how this less controlled than usual Mommy would react to disobedience, whining, tackling brother and strangling him, singing arias instead of napping etc.  I won't pretend that I didn't have a few moments that weren't among my proudest.  They were however quite valuable.
The point is that I learned some important things that are worth sharing.
Maybe the specifics don't matter, but we were/are retraining the boys to take good naps.  Also Hayden was  being really dramatic for a few weeks about drinking his milk (which he used to love and gulp down) and finishing his meals (which he always had eaten all up in the past).  I was taking their pushback about napping and finishing their food so personally.  [long story short; that --my reaction-- is a big part of why they were doing it, but I am getting ahead of myself].  Hayden would get up in the morning and cheerfully promise that "today, Hayden idg going drink my mee-wlk cho fasht and eat my porridge all up in my bell-wee and be chOOOO appy!" and less than 15mins later at the table he'd be crying and pouting and refusing to drink his milk and at the end of breakfast be wailing w/huge tears running down his face because he hadn't finish his food.  It was all I could do to pretend I didn't care either way and calmly say "you're belly will be sad and hungry until snack time" but inside it really bothered me.  I mean, he JUST MOMENTs AGO confidently asserted that he was so hungry and wanted to eat it all up like a good boy etc etc.  Why couldn't he just follow through?  The desire was there, genuinely.  He knew all the reasons why it was a good idea.  He would recite them to me as we walked down the stairs to the kitchen "it will make Hayden cho appy and Mommy cho appy and Daddy cho appy too!"  So he knew it was not only good for him but that it would please his parents and yet day after day he could not bring himself to do it... are you understanding the title of this blog yet?

Take Garak for another example: he came to us with no self-soothing skills and so asking him to calm down and relax until he falls asleep is literally not something he is capable of doing.  He hates, loathes, fights against etc taking an afternoon nap.  Not taking one is NOT an option for him though. So we have tried many things to encourage him to do so.  Most have failed; much to our disappointment and his.  So we would talk about it ad nauseum and remind him of what he was expected to do and he would "smile and nod" so-to-speak and then as soon as we closed the bedroom door the arias would begin along with jumping, shouting, throwing things etc.  I was at my whits end and again taking it very personally as if it was a direct attack on me that he would not sleep. [yes, I know that it doesn't make sense, but I am just being honest.]  You could see his little face wanting to please me and then moments even seconds later his behavior would leave me anything but pleased.  [I can hear you saying um...hello?! he's 2 years old what are you nuts expecting him to like sleeping and control himself!?]  Maybe so but he and his brother are sleeping peacefully right now as I type this.  He has been exhibiting tremendous amounts of self control for the last 2 weeks. 
How? 

this is the back of their bedroom door. Garak practically wiggles out of his skin w/excitement at the thought of making that frog hop all the way to his house.

Well, here's the punch line: internal motivation not external is the best kind.  [did anyone other than me already know that?] AKA: it wasn't about me or my efforts.  Daddy found some VERY cool sticker charts. That is all it took.  The peace level at our house has gone up exponentially.  I was a total skeptic about it.  I thought, "no this can't work.  He isn't capable of controlling himself. That is the point of all this frustration. We just have to grit our teeth and wait it out."  However his potty time chart has been a raging success and he rarely if ever has an accident now.   Hayden never needed the charts, really but he is just as excited about his stickers and we act just as happy whenever he gets one too!

4th week on the potty charts. zero accidents.

So, in what way are they a mirror being held up for me? It was a tough lesson I learned about what was inside of me.  I am a grown up who knows better and often still does not do what I know will be best for me and what will make God happy and my family happy.  Just like my boys I will promise to do the right thing and genuinely mean it and then at the very next opportunity to show what I am made of... I don't follow through, I take the easy road, or I let my emotions run the show etc.  That, I realized, was the real reason why I was taking the boys' behavior so personally.  They were showing me a weakness in me and I hated to look into their little mirrors and see it.

A friend of mine once illustrated what she was teaching Pressure will reveal what's inside you in dramatic fashion by squeezing an orange until the juice ran out and dripped down her hand.  She said, "What is inside WILL come out.  You can say it's not in there but when you are under pressure you can't deny that some ugly stuff will surface,  How did it come out of you if it wasn't in there?"  *gulp*