How to Survive in the meantime: Step 1: start to feel something

Things happened while I was away for a month.  Significant things.  Things that changed other people's lives.  Big things.  Events, even.  hard things, fun things, sweet and special and wonderful things... should those things matter to me?  probably.

My homeroom -and some other very special students as well- are graduating this year .  I am glad that I am not going to miss the event next Sunday, but not AS glad as I would be to be there showing off my babies to all my colleages and former students.

my place at the wedding

A very dear friend of ours is getting married tomorrow.  This is a big thing.  They are celebrating all weekend.  I am genuinely happy for them.  But not the same happy I would have been if my boys were in attendance at the wedding with us as I has thought they would be.  There are different kinds of happy...one is not necessarily less sincere than another.  But they do differ in intensity.

Day 1: instant family: just add bubbles

sick baby boy. 1st day- tired after playing ball

Have you experienced love at 1st sight or a time when you "just knew" somebody was "the one"...I hope you have because it is a tender and faith-building moment.  How could you believe anything but that there is Someone our there bigger than you orchestrating your life?  How else could those moments be possible?  There was no warming up time, really.  we were a love at first sight family.


If Jonny hadn't been sick when he met us I think it would have been a solid month of joy and family bonding.  I say that not from some fairy dust rose-colored-glass perspective but because the day we met them (Easter Sunday) we walked them to end of their road and as they started down their road they both were turning and waiving but it was Jonny that broke into a run and headed back towards us.  Day 1.  don't leave us.  we wanna stay with you.  After lots of kisses and promises of "we'll play again tomorrow" they let us go.

Day 1: is that it?  are you really leaving us?

How is it that you can find the rest of your heart in the most unexpected places?  I know you have asked yourSELF that question at some point along the way.  You must have.  Love is a many splendor'd thing.

 Everything reminds me of them.  I know this is a normal part of grieving.  And while Knowledge may be Power; it is not an analgesic.  

"meant to be" family moment

During seasons of great loss the faith in "meant to be" is all that maintains sanity.  Touching the touchstones with the hands of your memory..."okay THAT day I was sure this was meant to be; so it still is." you tell yourself.  For months now when a setback happened I have repeated audibly to myself.  "I have not had control of this from the beginning and this is no different.  I need to continue to trust."  [let me just tell you...easier said than done barely scratches the surface of indicating how hard that is to live out.]

naps on the ride to Kampala.  no safety seats.  no rules at all.

For those of you who can't bear the though of your child going to a sleepover because you think, what if he needs something and I can't give it to him or the other parent doesn't treat him how I would or he gets scared or wets the bed or gets hurt... (you get the idea).  Well, it is safe to say that you would not be holding together right now if you were us.  I will leave it at that.  Or worse: What about those of you -- and you know who you are -- who want to control (and usually do) each and every morsel that goes into your child's mouth or disinfect every surface he comes into contact with and can't even let them out of your sight with out prayer and fasting and anxiety medication.  I was thinking of you while I was there watching my boys eat food that had been dropped on the floor (and not always recently) and lick every bit of the sticky goodness off their hands when they got a sweet treat and riding in the car with no safety measures etc.  You all especially need to lift us up in your hearts because we left our boys and have no control over anything that happens to them for months.  We saw where they live, I went into their homes and we still waived goodbye to them and walked away because we. had. no. choice.

the last time I saw them